stepfamilyhealth

So, I’m sitting in the World Headquarters for STEP-Carefully! - Panera Bread, having my morning whole grain bagel and hazelnut coffee(s) when I notice a newbie employee shyly working the tables. One of the reasons I frequent Panera is their extreme friendliness, which makes a newbie really stand out.

As I watched her keeping her head down and cleaning the tables without making eye contact, I wondered just how long it would be before she caught the spirit of the place and opened up. That led me to thinking about being the newbie and feeling like an outsider. Which led me to, naturally, thinking about stepfamilies…

Most employers will allow a few days or perhaps a few weeks for a new employee to get familiarized with their surroundings and the secrets of the organization. How come stepfamilies expect a new stepparent to be up to full speed from the first day?

Remember when you first faced the kids after your wedding? You probably felt a little excited, a little anxious, a little nervous. Just like our newbie waitress. But the difference is she gets a probationary period - say two weeks - where she is not really expected to know the ropes or to remember where everything is or to know every customer’s name. For a couple of weeks, she is allowed to make mistakes without blame because she is new, she is just learning.

So why can’t new stepmoms and stepdads get the same probationary period? Yes, there is the dating bit, where you generally learn as much as you can absorb about the family and their rhythm, but that’s kind of like eating in the restaurant before you fill out the job application. Yeah you know the food is good and the staff is friendly, but you haven’t a clue where the forks are kept or who’s the mover and shaker. You have to be "inside" to know the real deal.

Just like in a stepfamily. You go out on planned dates with the kids (who have been coached by their parent to be on their best behavior) and you visit the home as a guest and see that the bathrooms are neat and tidy. But, until you’re "inside" you don’t know the most important facts. Like which of these little angels is really the little … well the child who will square off with you to show you they own the territory. Or where all the private areas are that you need to stay out of. Or which first aid treatment is preferred and which results in screaming and near death fits. Or … on and on and on.

I hereby propose a one month probationary period for new stepparent.

That’s one month after the actual wedding, not after the first date. One month for a new stepmom to learn everyone’s names and nicknames and least favorite foods. One month for a stepdad to find out which toys should not be "lost" by being put away too well, or which child is least prone to rage over your attempts to help with homework.

One month of free time to make innocent mistakes would take a great deal of the pressure off us, don’t you think? One month of "do overs" for pet issues or food flops or nighttime-ritual slip ups. A whole month to memorize the youngest’s stuffed animals’ names. A whole month just to settle in to the flow of this whole new family.

Gosh, wouldn’t it be great! Well now you have a tool to use for your own probationary month. Take this article to your minister before your wedding and ask him to make the probie period part of your ceremony. Show it to your soon-to-be and ask him or her to implement it with their kids.

If you’re already well-married, think back to your own first month with your new family and share those memories with a friend who is thinking of marrying into a stepfamily. Show them this idea and urge them to push it with their own minister and fiancé. And whatever you do, support them like you wish you had been. Help them make it.

God bless your whole family,
STEPcoach

‘Farm in the sky’ planned for New York
By Matthew Moore
SOURCE: UK Telegraph

Plans for a "vertical farm" growing crops in the centre of New York are a step closer to becoming reality.

Plan for a vertical farm drawn up by SOA Architects in association with Dr Despommier

Local officials in Manhattan are drawing up a study to investigate whether a farm skyscraper would be economically and environmentally viable.

Urban vertical farms have been mooted by architects for several years, but until now had been widely dismissed as expensive and impractical.

But there now appears to be a real drive to push ahead with a pilot project. "I think we can really do this," said Scott Stringer, the borough president of Manhattan and the man who hopes the pitch the idea to the mayor’s office. "We could get the funding."

He added: "Obviously we don’t have vast amounts of vacant land, but the sky is the limit in Manhattan".

Mr Stringer’s ambition was fired by the designs of Dr Dickson Despommier, a professor of public health at Columbia University, and chief evangelist for the vertical farm project.

The 30-storey towers he envisages would grow enough food – crops, fruit and vegetables - for 50,000 local people, he claims.

They would cut energy use in food production by reducing the distance crops are transported, and would also guarantee urban food supply at a time of rising prices.

Dr Despommier also claims that the towers would be self-sufficient, generating clean energy and purifying wastewater, and would allow crops to be grown without pesticides, as they would be protected from insects and the elements.

Critics point out that the cost of land in Manhattan would cancel out savings in food transportation costs, and the shortage of land in the city may make the project prohibitively expensive.

Even Dr Despommier admits that more research needs to be done into the energy efficiency of the farms.

But he is confident that his dream could become a reality, even if the first vertical farms are much shorter than the 30-storey behemoths he has been proposing.

"It’s very idealistic and ivory tower and all of that," he told the newspaper. "But there’s a real desire to make this happen."

[NOTE: moral at end of post]
Jo Donna (my sweetheart girlfriend to whom I’m so happily married it’s silly) and I took off out of town this last weekend, ostensibly for a nephew’s wedding, but really just to run off together. As is the trend this Summer of the Gas Panic, we decided to see what was right under our noses. The wedding was just about an hour and a half away, in Rogers, Arkansas. Rogers is located in the heart of the area known as Northwest Arkansas, home of WalMart, Tyson Foods, JB Hunt Trucking, and several other global-sized corporations. Much like Ireland during the Celtic Tiger days of the 1990s, NWA has seen a tremendous boom in employment, housing, and all the goodies that come with those.

Last time Jo and I were up the mountain was just three years ago, but we were stunned by how much the entire area had developed. We stayed in the Hyatt Place hotel of Rogers, very nice accommodations at a decent price ($79 per night for a mini-suite). The room was quite nice - Hyatt just took over and completely refurbished this property a year or so ago, so all is still sparkling new. (How new is all this we visited? Google maps still shows all cow pastures in all the places described below!)

Our room and board taken care of, we went out for a mind-boggling dinner at Osegueras (absolutely the best Mixican food in the USA) on Friday night. Saturday was pretty much all wedding excitement, after sleeping late, enjoying the complimentary breakfast, fitness center, and pool. And that night was sheer laziness as we watched movies and played on the Internet.

Sunday, after a slow morning (yes, we played hookie from church, first time this year, thank you very much!), we headed over to the shopping … community we’d been hearing all about since arriving. Pinnacle Hills Promenade is one of the most impressive shopping/dining/hanging-out-at venues I’ve ever seen. Tulsa has some nice areas, Houston and Dallas are worth the visit, and Chicago is Chicago. But nowhere is prettier, more comfortably laid out, and more entertaining to stroll through that the Promenade. (IMHO) Every cobblestone street led us to another neat area to explore.

Worn out and happily satisfied, we climbed into the car to head home. Just between the Promenade and the highway was a station with fairly cheap gas, so I pulled in to fill up. Jo, as usual, headed inside to grab a Dr. Pepper and some snacks. She came back out grinning like a cute crocodile. "You’ve got to see this! Park the car and come inside." Naturally, I whined. "I don’t want anything, I just want to get on the road!" So, naturally, I parked the car and followed my wife inside the White Oak Station … the "gas station."

Wow.

Some gas station! It’s a gourmet grocery store with a high end meat market and hand made gourmet pizza shop. I was absolutely blown away. Remember, now, the last time we were here was just three years ago and there was nothing … nothing in this entire area. (Check Google maps <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?f=l&amp;hl=en&amp;geocode=&amp;q=2203+Promenade+Blvd,+Suite+3200+Rogers,+Arkansas+72758&amp;near=Rogers,+AR&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;ll=36.304975,-94.178581&amp;spn=0.008439,0.01869&amp;t=h&amp;z=16">here</a> - nothin’ but pasture land.) We spent over an hour in that "gas station," drooling over delicacies and eating some of the best veggie pizza around. We left with imported Irish and English goodies, olives, breads, and definite plans to return soon to do it all over again.

MORAL OF THE STORY …

What’s this article all about? Well, it’s not about NWA or Hyatt, Promenade, or even the first gourmet gas station. It’s about getting away. Together.

You see, when you are in love - really in love with your spouse (as you all should be), it shouldn’t matter where you are or what your surroundings are. Because ours were just the hills of Arkansas. What should matter is who you’re with. Jo and I have been on Fifth Avenue in New York, in a cottage in Adare, Ireland, and in a gas station in Arkansas, and we’ve never been happier in one place than another, because we’re together.

Marriage is what you make it. Make yours great.

Links:
The Hyatt Place hotel
The Pinnacle Hills Promenade

1. no more single parent loneliness
2. no questions about how you are doing today - everyone tells you
3. no more wondering if you’re equal to the task
4. health benefit: flexibility increases as you bend over backwards
5. a new model to aspire to - the ex
6. free cooking lessons ("my mom always makes it different!")
7. health benefit: deep breathing to avoid exploding
8. lots more family to remember names of and send cards to
9. dates with you hot new spouse
10. free advice from new in-laws and ex-in-laws and in-law-exes
11. health benefit: regular blood pressure checks
12. a second round of wedding shower gifts
13. a second honeymoon (eventually)
14. freedom from responsibility for out of control stepkids (those are NOT my kids!)
15. health benefit: free facial as you practice grinning insincerely
16. your own kids begin to look much better by comparison
17. your ex-provides free babysitting service (?)

… what else? …

The USDA has (AGAIN!!!!) issued a warning and a recall of poisonous beef. ( see the notice at http://www.fsis.usda.gov/News_&_Events/R01_2008_Expanded/index.asp)

This is a Class 1 Recall; Health risk is HIGH.

Look, I’m not going to go into all the reasons that eating meat is harmful for your body and your children’s bodies (read my earlier posts for full discussions of that), but I will say that the USDA and the scandalous meat packing plant practices are certainly making a strong case for vegetarianism. We don’t need meat to live - or even to function better.

Meat consumption is a choice. It is an expensive choice, and a harmful one. It is a dangerous choice. It’s OK to play "russian roulette" with your own health and life, but you shouldn’t with your children’s lives.

This latest recall is regarding E. Coli tainted beef and is centered throughout the country. But the next poison contamination could be at your neighborhood store. It could involve chicken, pig, or more cows.

Why risk it? At least with contaminated vegetables (such as the recent tomato scare) you can still safely eat processed - canned or bottled - vegetables. (See FDA report at http://www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/tomatoes.html) But with beef … well contaminated dead cow is contaminated no matter what you do to it!

The following post offers some suggestions for what to do with cows you may have, but may now be unsure what to do with.

God bless your family and their health - but don’t leave it all up to Him, use common sense. Don’t eat dead, decaying animals!

If you have some cows just laying around … because you’re too scared (or smart!) to eat them with all the mad cow and all going on, here are some suggestions for what to do with your darling bo:

> pet cows
> ride cows
> feed cows
> use cows as grass trimmers
> obtain fertilizer from cows (after above)
> decorate cows with political sandwich boards and lead them through downtown
> give kiddy rides at the fair
> stress relief: talk to cows
> play fetch with cows (slow game!)
> brush and comb cows

JUST DON’T EAT THEM! (Sound silly? We spend $4 billion dollars each year on our dogs and cats!)

Eating a cow is; a) harmful to your body (cholesterol, hormones, etc); b) harmful to the environment (takes much more land to raise beef cattle than veg foods, plus much more pollution); and c) detrimental to the cow’s health!

Read my earlier posts for more details, but basically: we were originally engineered to operate at peak efficiency on a vegetarian diet (Genesis 1:29), so meat is contraindicated for human consumption.

Reports have surfaced today by Deal Hudson and Jill Stanek that Sen. Barack Obama is dodging the issue of his support for selective infanticide. They refer to an interview that Obama granted last week to Cameron Strang of Relevant magazine.

In that exchange, Obama admitted that when he was in the Illinois senate he voted against a bill that would require health care for a baby who survived an abortion. “The reason was that there was already a law in place in Illinois that said that you always have to supply life-saving treatment to any infant under any circumstances, and this bill actually was designed to overturn Roe v. Wade, so I didn’t think it was going to pass constitutional muster.”

Catholic League president Bill Donohue weighed in on this issue today:

“Is there a single bill forbidding racial discrimination that Obama would refuse to endorse on the grounds that we already have enough such laws in place? This begs the question: If protecting innocent human life is of paramount importance, then by what reasoning can it logically or morally be said that we already have enough legislation? When in doubt, wouldn’t it make sense to vote in favor of stronger laws?

“Obama’s position that the bill he voted against would overturn Roe is not a grey area. It explicitly said just the opposite.

“Finally, if the best Obama can do when faced with accusations of supporting selective infanticide—and that is exactly what the Catholic League is charging—is to say that this is not a ‘fair characterization,’ then something really smells. Given the seriousness of the accusation, if it were totally bogus, any other candidate for the presidency would immediately hold a press conference and demand an apology and a retraction. That Obama did not do so speaks volumes.”

Susan A. Fani

Director of Communications

Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights
catalyst@catholicleague.org

You know, I just really don’t like fitting into a mold, being predictable, being a stereotype. It just goes against my well-developed sense of specialness! For example, this morning I’m sitting at my favorite coffee shop (Panera Bread), working on emails, lesson plans, and this message to you. And, just for the effect, every time I go back to the coffee station for a refill, I make a point of whistling "Deck The Halls With Boughs of Holly," just loudly enough to be heard by … well most everyone I pass by. Why? Well, it’s supposed to be around 95 degrees (fahrenheit) here today and Christmas carols put me in a cooler state of mind, and because most of the folks here look like they could use a bit of a nudge toward a smile. That’s me - anti-typical.

But, as a stepparent, the vast majority of us do fit into predictable patterns. No, not the old Disney stereotype of Wicked Stepmothers and Evil Stepfathers. But there are patterns I’ve noticed over a dozen years of working with steppers. Some are beneficial; some are harmful; and some just are. See how many of these you recognize from your home:

1) Stepparents start out with unrealistic expectations. I’ve seen so many stepmoms and stepdads I can’t keep count, who are disillusioned and discouraged because their stepfamily - both spouse and stepkids - turned out to be less of a joy than they had dreamed they would be. "I just don’t get it. The kids loved me before I married their mom. Now they glare at me whenever I speak to them like I’m a stranger lurking in the shadows! What happened?" You married their mom, that’s what happened. With that one momentous ceremony, you moved from an interesting, fun friend of the family to a new authority figure who stepped in between their two parents ever getting back together again.

It’s a fact of life - stepparenting is the toughest job you’ll ever take on. The sooner you accept that your new family will be a challenge, the sooner you can begin calming their fears and helping them to accept you. And it is a long process. Nationally, it takes from FOUR to SEVEN years for a stepfamily to begin functioning like a team. So, if you are feeling let down by the lack of enthusiasm in your new clan - understand that it’s just part of being a stepparent.

2) Stepfamilies go through certain Stages. Almost 100 percent of the stepfamilies I’ve worked with have traveled the same developmental path:
a) the Dream Stage - before the wedding when everything seems picture perfect - or like it will be soon;
b) the Discovery Stage - soon after the wedding reality slaps you in the face and you see that the stepkids, the ex-spouses, the in-laws, and your new mate are not what they were before;
c) the Decision Stage - the point when every stepparenting couple chooses to give up and run away like scalded chickens or they knuckle down, get some help, and start building a real family;
d) the Determination Stage - here’s where the second, "knuckle down," group digs in and starts growing together. NOTE: this is usually the most difficult time, as everyone makes their feelings known;
e) and finally, the Development Stage - the fights begin diminishing in frequency and in force, the couple develop reliable strategies for working together, the kids and ex-spouses begin to understand and accept that you mean to stay, and you start to have hope.

3) Stepparents forget to remember that this, too, is a real family. This one gets overlooked more than the others because it’s so quiet (unlike stepkids or ex-es!). You probably have adequate insurance and future provisions for your biological kids, but have you even thought about your new family? Granted, their bio-parents have the primary responsibility of insuring them, but what about the promises you made when you married their dad or mom? Didn’t you imply that you would watch out for them, too? Didn’t you indicate that you would help provide security and a future for them, too?

What have you done about your will, now that you have a whole new family depending on you? Or your life insurance? When you married bio-mom or -dad, you planned to live for a long time with them, right? And you planned to help them raise their kids, didn’t you? Maybe not providing the whole financial package for them (or maybe so), but you did intend to help your new mate with their family … didn’t you??? Well, what happens if you don’t live as long as you thought you would? One stepmom wrote in to tell that she was left with a huge debt from her husband’s death and his first family demanding the whole estate. Don’t let your spouse go through that. Take the time to sit down with your partner and figure out what would happen if either of you died suddenly. If necessary, get with a financial planner to get the calculations right, most of them don’t charge much for the service. After you decide what should happen, see what you can do to make sure it does happen.

4) Stepparenting couples who survive the first three stages, who stick it out through the tough times of the first few years tend to be much, much stronger than even first marriage couples. I’ve seen it time and time again. If you can make it through the challenges together, those experiences cement you into a powerful, reliable team. Husbands and wives who face rebellious stepkids, interfering ex-spouses, stand-offish in-laws, and their own fears and doubts, seem to have a quiet inner commitment to each other that can overcome anything the future brings.

So maybe sometimes it’s alright to fit into some patterns. If those patterns will lead you to success. If you need help with your particular challenges, don’t try to just tough it out. Email or call me for help, or talk to your local minister.

But don’t give up!

Bob Collins, CDM

© 2008 Bob Collins

[NOTE: These ideas are covered in much greater detail in our resource ebooks which you can find in our on-line bookstore. I’ve kept the prices reasonable so you can get the help you need to keep your family growing. Every purchase goes directly to support STEP-Carefully! and keep our programs going.]